The most horrible feeling in the world as of right now is realizing that the demon you thought you had beaten so long ago wasn't beaten. Just beaten down.
You tell yourself "I did it! I beat you, and you'll never be back to bother me again!". And you convince yourself of this. And you convince everyone else around you.
"Oh, I don't need medication. I've recognized my triggers and can see when I'm going down a dark path. I just choose to turn around!"
You try to be positive and happy, and it works. For a while.
The problem is that it's all a lie. It's a false sense of security. Before you even realize it, you are in the tightest grip of all and you can't see any way out of it. At first, you blame family drama. And then you blame change in seasons, or monthly menstruation. Or you take it out on someone you think is after your happiness. And then you try to blame it on your feelings of rejection from the one you love the most.
But the reality is - depression never leaves forever. And you can't do it alone. And by the time you realize you're in it, you've made too many mistakes to say "I need this. I can't do this.", because then it just sounds like an excuse.
I'm going to take advantage of that EAP at work. I can't do this alone, and I've effectively caused my own rejection from the one I need the most because I made him feel as if I don't trust him.
I'm so tired of being sick and sad and in pain. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't function. I can't I can't I can't. And I need to. And I will. But it will take some time.
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