Silently, We Move Forward.

Not even a week after celebrating her 11th birthday in a fashion that we have only ever dreamed about, Sara Lance passed from this world to the next. She was at home, surrounded by her family.

I can't wrap my brain around it, so there's nothing else to say other than:

http://www.cancerbackup.org.uk/Cancertype/Brain/Typesofbraintumour/Ependymoma

and:

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/saral

She has a name, and she is beautiful.

In the midst of national and international tragedies, members of my family are not concerned with the death of Michael Jackson. They aren't worried about the makings of a civil war in Iran, nor do they think about the Hollywood Drama Du'jour that seems to be on everyones lips these days.

They're loving, and praying for, and taking care of their daughter. My cousin Dave, and his wife Linda have three children. Adam, at 17, is the oldest. He works part time, goes to school, plays guitar and writes so beautifully, it will make you cry. Elizabeth, their second child, is so sweet and quiet, and has the voice of an angel. And the youngest is Sara. Sara is my kind of kid. Full of piss and vinegar, has a wicked sense of humor, and is always quick to laugh.

All three children have always been completely inseparable. If ever there were a blood family comprised completely of soul mates, it would be them. Before Sara came a long, anytime you saw Adam, Beth would not be far behind. When Sara was born, she was everyone's baby.

Three years ago, Sara had flu-like symptoms. Body aches, nausea, but no fever. The symptoms persisted to a point when her head would begin pulling to the side. The doctor ordered an MRI.

What they found was ependymoma. Ependymoma is a type of recurring brain tumor that grows on or very near the spinal cord, in a manner of speaking. At the time, the tumor was very slow growing. They were hesitant to operate because Sara was only 8 years old. However, they were successful in removing it. She went into remission for a time, but the long-run prognosis was not good.

You see, ependymoma is a monster of a cancer. It can be slow growing, and it can be removed for a time. However, it always returns. It may not return for a month, a year. Even 10 or 20 years. But it always returns, and it returns pissed off.

Sara just celebrated her 11th birthday last week. She's been through surgeries, chemotherapies, radiation treatments, clinical trials including gamma ray procedures. All have removed most, if not all of the tumor. Her family, our family, has prayed it away. Wished it away, believed that someday Sara would live her life without pills and scalpels and shaved heads.

This time, it took away her smile. She's having trouble swallowing, trouble breathing, she's not able to walk on her own. 11 years old and she is now wheelchair bound with an oxygen tank to help her when she just can't quite catch her breath. Last Friday, her family was ending a road trip in a North Carolina Cracker Barrel. Sara started choking, and went into full cardiac arrest. She lost her pulse and her bowels, according to her mother.

Sara's died once already. Pediatric nurses were having lunch nearby, and some stranger in a gray t-shirt performed CPR on her. They brought her back. Even if she is to die, the God that my family loves so much would not let her die in a Cracker Barrel no where near her home.

I guess the whole point of this entry is that my daughter is the same age that Sara was when she was first diagnosed. I cannot imagine what Linda and Dave could possibly be thinking or feeling. A very selfish part of me is thankful for that.

Every day, I'm dealing with a shitty prima-donna spoiled-brat attitude, and it wears me down. I have two children. Abby is 8 and Andrew is 6. Between the two of them, I spend more time yelling and grounding than I do anything else. Somedays, I wish they would just sit down and shut up and stay that way.

And then I remember how Sara was. And I remember that no matter how annoyed I am, and how I wish they would just LEAVE ME ALONE...my children are healthy. As far as I know, that bastard known as Cancer - the ultimate in chaos, for there is no rhyme or reason to who it chooses in most cases- has not laid claim to my own. I cannot fathom looking at my child's eyes and not knowing if, when they close, they'll never open again.

Most of all, what completely mystifies me - is that through all of this - all of the turmoil, and tragedy - there are a lot of ups. They have a very happy family, in spite of it all. And they have an absolutely unshakeable faith in the Christian God and Jesus Christ. I don't consider myself an atheist in the text book sense, because it's not that I refuse to believe, nor do I demand proof. I just...lack faith. I lack belief. I've tried, I've pretended. But when it comes down to it, I just simply do not believe in any higher power/God/supreme being/supernatural presence.

They do. And when I say unshakable, I mean they watched their daughter slip away from them. They saw her leave - and yet, they still remained faithful. They never questioned why, the don't blame their God for damning them to this existence - destined to lose one of their own.

That, to me, is what's admirable. Not that they've been through all that they have. But that they've been through all that they have and continue to love each other unconditionally with such a fierce devotion, that not even That Bastard Cancer has broken them.

And here I sit, terrified that I'm gaining weight. Or that I may get laid off from my job. Or what if he never marries me?

I mean, really. My children are healthy. My children are ALIVE.

As long as I have that, the rest is just gravy.

If you're reading this, and you have a little time - please, read her story. See this beautiful family, and maybe pray for her. Send some energy to her family. Whatever your beliefs are, however you channel that positive energy to make good things happen, whether in the name of God or Yahweh, Allah or Buddah - if praying for a miracle and for Sara to live is out of the question, please give her and her family all of the peace and well being as they can manage.

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/saral

Oh, nature...fuck off.

My boyfriend suggested we go camping a few years ago, so this weekend...we are.

(procarastination is thine middle name)

Since I'm blogging on the Dumbphone, I'm keeping this short and sweet.

I'm working AND camping. I'm that dedicated to him, and my paycheck.

Total hours of sleep this far-5
This includes dozing off at random intervals while at work. At least I don't do anything important at the hospital. Like patient care, or security...

Total racoons fed- 1
I wasn't fighting the little peckerhead for bacon ranch pringles. They were meh. I will eat his face if he gets in the beer.

Spiders killed - 3 and rising.
MY CHAIR BITCH.

Bands we have rocked out to- Otep (yay new single!!!!11wtfbbq), judas priest ( do you notice the semi-theme? One of us may have a secret...), Spacehog (we're aliens), and ol dirty bastard aka big baby Jesus. WTF? Yeah, idano either. He's Asian gangster.

Oh damn. Gotta go roast the weiners. @Trae_the_jaded if anyone reads this and wants to see boring proof that I'm not a princess.

Ugh.

As an aside...

Here is something I never thought I'd say in a million years to my child:

"Dude, we totally do NOT throw up devil horns to Xanadu. Stop it!"

I will add this to the list, right underneath - "No, that is not the kitty's mouth!"

A Big Mess of Words (Maybe A Point Or Two)

It all begins somewhere. That's sort of how the saying goes. I think.

The people in our lives that shape the people we all become. The events that take place that either lift us up or destroy us almost totally. I don't believe I've ever had the audacity to claim that my life was shit. Unless it was in the throes of some teenage angst-ridden hissy fit. Yeah, I had those. Hard to believe, I know.

30 years of average. Not spectacular, not depressing. Just. Average. With the exception of a 5 year stretch that I may or may not describe at a later date, I've never gone without anything. Food, love, shelter, or a shirt on my back. I don't have "The Best Parents Ever", but I absolutely adore them and I do have a fantastic relationship with them.

I kind of have to since they allowed me to move back in. Again. With two children. Why? Because as usual, I failed at something. I could cry and get snot all over myself while wallowing in self pity, but the truth is - I made horrible choices. My parents taught me better, but I thought I knew better.

So 30 years old - one failed marriage, one HUGE MISTAKE of a long term relationship, two adorable children later - and I'm back in this 822 square foot house with two unbelievably forgiving and loving people. Am I happy here? Well I'm not satisfied, but I understand that things take time.

This economy is what's depressing. I do work full time, and I do have benefits. The healthcare system that runs the hospital I work in recently filed for bankruptcy. Or as Buzzy the CEO likes to call it - "Financial Reorganization". Loosely translated to - "Lie to the people, reduce their pay and remove as many perks as possible. Watch them drop like flies. When the ones who can't quit their job don't - we'll dissolve the unions and fire the rest!".

It hasn't gone that far, but I'm expecting it to. The moral of THAT story is - there's no place to move to, as anything that is vacant is far more than the average single mother can afford to pay - and STILL put food on the table, gas in the car, and pay for child care. I voted for Obama. I had (and still have) high hopes for this new administration that I believe in. However, I'm not sure how long we can sustain ourselves while we wait for good news. A positive move in the right direction.

And if this new health care reform begins? Yeah - yours truly will be out of a job within six months. Electronic medical record keeping. I work in Health Informations Management - i.e. Medical Record Clerk. If this thing goes electronic, I'll be there long enough to scan shit then I'll be gone. They'll only need 3 people to run it.

Fuck.

30 years old is not too old to begin college again.

New Blog Disclaimer (Things You Don't Need To Know, But I'm Telling You Anyway)

1. No, you don't know me. I'm no one famous or even infamous.

2. If you don't like me incessantly talking about myself, or my family and friends - you don't have to read it.

3. If my opinions anger or bore you, that's cool. I'm not necessarily one to ruffle feathers, though. I'm no activist. Nor am I purposefully provocative.

4. I am an extremely boring person with a very average American life. Tough. Shit.

5. Comments are welcome. If you're going to be a douchebag I'll leave the comment, but I'm probably going to ignore it. Of course if I'm PMSing, I may respond. Then it'll turn into a 250 comment thread until one of us tires of it, or something else captures our attention.

6. I'm not a supporter of PETA or the NRA. I absolutely hate people who claim to be intelligent, but type and/or speak like they've never progressed beyond a 4th grade education and live in Podunk. Wherever that is. I love bacon, and I really don't give a shit where it comes from. I don't wear fur or real leather. Mostly because it's ugly, partially because I can find better things to spend my hard earned money on, and realistically - because I've watched the videos of mink farms and it made me cry for days. Still - I'm not a fan of PETA.

7. I have a very short attention span. So an entry may begin about one topic, but end on an entirely different topic (usually completely unrelated to the original thought). I've gotten over it, I'm sure you can too. I also tend to over-punctuate, mostly the comma.

All of that said...let the blogging commence. This will be an exercise in self-discovery, self-loathing, and snarking on fat chicks in tiny tank tops.

Yes I'm a hater. Deal.

The iWhore

Just added an app to the iPhone that should allow me to blog on the go. Eventually, I may become an actual blogger. Until then, I'll just collect gadgets.